hey ashkie,
yea, you're pretty much on point throughout your post. no self-control, guilt, shame, uncertainty, hidden reasons, doubts. everything, even if small ones, piles up together eventually and becomes too heavy to bear. and costed our relationship, which i probably shouldn't have went for when i wasn't ready. so many decisions that i made on a whim these past months which caused so much grief within the 3 of us.
i definitely need to reflect and find back myself before i get together with anyone, be it with you, her, or someone else. i would have to get over both of you; right now at my current state, i would long for one if i'm with the other. i would have to learn to move on, learn from my mistakes and forgive myself too; not sure how i'm gonna do that, but i'll manage eventually.
you definitely deserve better, not just me at my best, but also potentially someone else better too. you probably heard it a thousand times already, but i'm just another fish in the vast ocean; you shouldn't be waiting for me. although not impossible, it's extremely unlikely i'll get back with her. after all, i doubt you would forgive me if you were in her shoes too, after all i'd done.
but yes, when my mind is clear and unburdened, when i'm ready, when our stars are truly aligned, we can start all over again from square one, from a clean slate. let us go on lame dates, discover each other again. let me fall in love with you, all over again.
take care, kii.
see you in awhile, perhaps.
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